One of the key things that makes our Break the Pattern Bootcamp different is that we don't just give general advice - we dig into YOUR dating life and YOUR personality to find the pain points that are specific to you. Now, I know that diving into your past can be scary or even in some cases a little traumatic. But digging into your past with intention can help improve your future. Check out this video where I talk about the benefits of reflection, forgiveness, and letting go of baggage.

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: Hi everyone, today I want to talk about something that’s tough for most of us: looking back at your past. The core piece of the Break the Pattern Bootcamp is what I call the “relationship audit”-you go back through your past relationships and answer a series of questions about each of them and then I help you identify patterns so that you can ditch what isn’t serving you and put more effort into what is.

Now, I get that looking back at past relationships is often not fun. It can even be traumatic for many of us. We all have various levels of baggage. But the good news is: the past is the past. It is done. You cannot change it, for better or worse, so you shouldn’t dwell, you must move on.

Looking at your past with intention however, is different than dwelling and can actually help you move on. First of all, it’s how we learn from our mistakes. Secondly, it’s very easy to only remember the bad after the relationship ends but if you take time to remember the good, you will feel better.

That kind of negative-only mental filtering helps contribute to depression and anxiety and you may find that focusing on the positives of the relationships helps you be less angry at them and, probably, less angry at yourself since we often tend to beat ourselves up for our past choices and partners. Just remember: you were with that person for at least one if not hopefully more reasons, so there had to be some good.

And it can actually be healing–you can view it as a way of letting go. You can look at each relationship and say, “this chapter in my life is closed. I will learn from the bad, take the good with me, and use that knowledge to live my best life in this present moment.”

Another important thing to keep in mind is that you are most likely an ex that some people don’t want to think about, too. You can blame all of your past relationship problems on your partners, or you can dig deep and acknowledge the ways in which you may not have been perfect either.

I’m not saying, “blame yourself” or “you suck.” You were, most likely, doing the best you could at the time with the tools you’d been given. This is a concept I learned in therapy. The thing is, most people are usually doing the best they can with the tools they’ve been given, including your exes. This is a freeing concept because it makes forgiveness easier, and, there’s a great quote you may be familiar with: "resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Forgiveness is freeing and this concept of doing your best with the tools you’ve been given also makes it easier for you to forgive yourself for your own past mistakes.

And of course, I’m not excusing bad behavior or saying it should be tolerated. It may not be someone’s fault that they developed a crappy set of tools from their early life experiences, but it IS their fault if they don’t do anything to try to fix it. And maybe your ex hasn’t changed at all, but that’s on them. They’re not your problem anymore.

So, if you look back at your past relationships with honesty and openness, you just might find that your baggage has gotten a little lighter.

COVER PHOTO CREDIT: Ezequiel Garrido